i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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