At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
