Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
