I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
