FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
