Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
