Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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