I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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