Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
