fuck your aforementioned shoe
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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