He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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