Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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