I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
