part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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