I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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