And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's get the cat blown out
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
