Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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