She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
