The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
