I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
