my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
