Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
