I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
