my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
