if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
