I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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