Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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