Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
