smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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