there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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