and you said cock pushups were impossible
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
