i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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