im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
