Barsexuality is the new black.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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