Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
