im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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