ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
