my mouth tastes like poor choices
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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