there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
