U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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