Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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