Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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