she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
