im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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