I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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