my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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