We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
