i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
