Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
