plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize