I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
