Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
