Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
