WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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