It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
either way he was missing a nipple.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
