I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
