Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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