Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
