people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
