im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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