If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
