I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
