My friends, they love my intelligence
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
