Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
