Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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